I’m placing this blog post into the Method Writer section in a tongue and cheek manner. This is one experience that I try–and so should you–to avoid at all costs. Getting kicked off a plane.

In todays era of terrorism, unnecessary searches, and legalized groping by TSA, it’s easy to lose your temper and face a flight crew with zero tolerance or understanding. The Madison Jennings adventures focus on terrorism at the start and one of the enduring results of dealing with that worldwide crime is the heightened security we all endure while traveling.

“Airports are stressful enough. Don’t end up on CNN, Fox, or MSNBC looking like a crazy person!”

Here are ten things you should never do while at an airport. They will get you kicked off a plane, arrested, or umm…probed…

 

1 Ι Don’t forget your gun

Really, I’m not sure why this has to be even mentioned. But TSA officials have said they discovered 3,957 guns in carry-on bags. Most of them (85%) were loaded. I’m not sure who these people are, but obviously they spent all their money on the gun, if they need to store it in a suitcase while at home. I mean really, how do you forget your gun is in your damn luggage. In any case, you will end up having a little conversation with a nice officer if you let the little semi-auto slip your mind.

2 Ι Dressing Overly Sexy

Yes dressing sexy can get you into trouble. Airlines do reserve the right to remove you from the flight if they deem your attire too lewd, suggestive, or provocative. United kicked a pair of teenagers off the plane last yearover leggings they deemed inappropriate. Their policy is for passengers to be properly clothed…whatever the hell that means.

via GIPHY

3 Ι Don’t be a jerk, ash€*#e, or Bit _h

The photo that headlines this post is of a woman that berated passengers shortly after the guy that was supposed to lose, won the White House. She was not alone, news reports of passengers yelling and screaming at each other soon followed. Airlines moved quickly to make it known they would remove people without question. In the time since the election, nothing has gotten nicer on the political front, and #metoo is a thing now. Harassing flight attendants will get you kicked off with the swiftness.

Memorize the Mantra. Be nice

4 Ι Take a Shower

I’m being tongue and cheek again, but yeah, if you have a strong unpleasant odor your ride on the plane can get real uncomfortable. Delta has a policy of “a malodorous condition” that is a reason for them to remove you. Whether its from smelly feet (keep your shoes on), gas, or medical conditions. A recent flightin Europe made an emergency landing due to the smell of a man that reeked enough to cause other passengers to vomit. If someone next to you or near you is not smelling like roses, be kind. If you act like number three above, you may find yourself off the plane and not pig-pen.

5 Extreme intoxication

If you’re doing your best impression of Leonardo DiCaprio in the Wolf of Wallstreetthen you may find yourself off the flight, or refused entry.

 

6 Trying to Attack the Plane

When something as simple as a tray table or headphones are not working, if you are impatient like my dear Madison Jennings, then you’ll be tempted to give it a little smack.  Be careful. Delta and others have a policy that says “When the passenger’s conduct creates a risk of harm or damage to the carrier’s aircraft and/or property,” they can be booted.”

7 Trying to Break Other People’s Stuff

We’ve all seen this guy. He’s the cheap-o that brings the ridiculously large suitcase as carry on and tries to force it into the overhead containers. Usually smooshing, and crushing the bags of others. If its somewhat gentle (still annoying) you’re fine. If you really start pushing stuff around then flight attendants and whomever’s luggage you’re destroying will be having words for you.

 Don’t Fight

Nothing 7-if you are doing it-will probably lead to number eight. You’ll smash something and get into a verbal argument, and then it will escalate. Being in a fight will get you taken off, will force an emergency landing, and unless you were saving the plane from terrorist afford you no chance of staying on your flight. If you were the one that started it, then you will be kicked off and arrested as well. So just don’t.

9 Being too Big

…Look we have all seen the stories. They happen at least four or five times a year. Someone very rotund cannot fit in the regular seat, does not want to pay for two seats-which is policy on most airlines now, and it becomes a problem. We live in an era now where everything is “something” shaming. In this case, fat shaming. I’m not doing that. I’m just telling you that if you have a weight problem, you could be moved off of a flight. Especially, if they want you to buy another spot and you cannot or will not. The rule of thumb seems to be can you get the seatbelt around you and fastened.

10 Mile High Fun

Okay…be honest you secretly fantasize about getting it on while a plane is enroute to your sunny vacation. I understand. Its a pop culture mainstay. Its not technically a illegal, but airlines do take a dim view about it. Doesn’t really seem to stop people. Thousands of people say they have done it. If you wonder how many people have, click here.

Nonetheless, what you think would make a cool story to family or friends about the start of your romantic vacation could turn into something a little more unpleasant if the crew on the plane are a bit uptight. Besides, have you seen the bathrooms on the plane. Not exactly a lot of room to maneuver to get your swerve on.

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